SmurfNet Bio Page

"More Than Words"

Jeremy Squires Bio Page written by
John Juan Benitez Publishing Co.

John Juan Benitez, President, takes no responsibility for the embellishments on this page. Any modifications, corrections or questions should be sent to johnh@kc.net.

SMURF INDEX

What is a smurf?
JEREMY's Rules
Shocking Truth
Smurf FAQ
John The Fish
Proctor & Gamble Tribute
(Drunken) Love Boat
Jeremy In Film
Smurf Stories
S.M.U.R.F.
JEREMY Acquaintances
The Future

JEREMY SMURF

(aka JEREMY SQUIRES)

Here begins the tale of Jeremy Smurf. First, what is a smurf? A smurf is someone who regularly yet unintentionally screws things up. And is very good-natured about doing it. Smurfs are very rare. You might think smurfs should be looked down upon but it's actually just the opposite. Smurfs provide you with great happiness and companionship at minimal cost to you. Kind of like the unconditional love of a dog. Well, perhaps that's a bit strong but you get the point.......... I hope.
Note: If your name is Johnny and you're a big fat gay guy, you DON'T get the point!

JEREMY lives by a complex set of Rules which must be observed at all times:

Clean up after yourself; clean dishes immediately after use, etc.
Do NOT leaave cabinets open.
Time yourself when vacuuming; a small apartment should take 4.938 minutes or less.
Iron all clothes, t-shirts and jeans included.
Make your bed whenever possible.
Give it your best.
Never limit yourself (no BUT's)
Wash sheets and blankets every other week at minimum.
Closets must be closed unless internal organization is high.
Do what you love and the money will follow.
"When I decide I'm going to do something, I do it."

Having said all this, it should be noted that The Smurf rarely follows his own rules but strictly imposes them on certain other people who shall remain nameless. One unlisted rule allows JEREMY to override any rule at any time for any reason. This effectively nullifies the limits set forth by the Rules.

"Looks can be deceiving."
"Don't judge a book by its cover."

So, why bother? It's window dressing. JEREMY likes to be sure everything is neat and orderly but only on the surface. (Take a peek in his laundry room if you don't believe me. He hates folding the wash.) Oh, and, wash is pronounced 'watch' in Smurf-speak.

And now for a shocking truth...
JEREMY is not JEREMY's real name!

But if you find out what it is, don't call him by his real name or you will (briefly) witness the Great Smurf DramDrop Syndrome. This is much too graphic to discuss here but if this should occur, ***RUN***!!!!!

Smurf FAQ

How can you tell when JEREMY is ticked off?: Every five seconds or so, if JEREMY is listening to you or has no reason to say anything, he will "pulse" his lips. They pop open then close quickly. If you do not see this "pulse", he is mad at you. If this condition is accompanied by an intense stare, you're in deep trouble. This is one step removed from the Great Smurf DramDrop Syndrome. Be careful!
Who is John the Fish and what was his story?: John the Fish was a little red fish JEREMY bought back in 1989. He named the fish after me (John Juan Benitez). He then killed the fish by "accidentally" leaving the window open during the winter over a three-day weekend. Poor John had no chance. That's why I won't go near any cold areas, go skiing, etc. with The Smurf. Aside from the fact that he didn't ask me.
What's the deal with the hair?: The Smurf likes to shave. Everything. He likes no hair on his arms, legs or hands(!). But because he is a hairy red Smurf, it grows back too soon and is uncomfortable, he says. Apparently, growing hair hurts The Smurf so he shaves only occasionally (except for his face, of course).
What special memory is tied to the "Love Boat" theme?: The Smurf and some rather odd friends wanted to get plastered but were underage. So, I was coerced into driving around until we found a liquor store that was still open (it was about 11 pm). The Smurf and his little friend were smiling and giggling all the way through the store. When they got back, they drank themselves crazy over the next several hours. At 2 am, I remember hearing them singing along to the "Love Boat" theme and making stupid comments about the various characters on the show. Ahem.

JEREMY in Film

The Smurf appeared in a major Warner-Bros. cartoon with Bugs Bunny many years ago. He played the role of Gossamer the monster sent out by the Eeevil Scientist to capture Bugs for an eeevil experiment. Now, how can this be since the cartoon was rendered years before JEREMY was born? Well, that's simple. In one of his most famous accidents, The Smurf warped himself back in time and into another dimension and... oh, this gets quite technical. Trust me, it happened.
Gossamer1

Smurf Stories

Coming soon. (With permission from The Smurf.)

Audio Out, Video In
Something Wonderful Has Happened
Port
Sweet 'N' Sour
The Beatles

Links to JEREMY acquaintances

John Juan Benitez Computer Programmer

R J Samsonite Luggage King?

Future Developments -- How YOU can improve this page

Better graphics; ANY graphics

We need more than just one smurf picture. Other small images to touch up the appearance of the page would be nice, too. Remember, JEREMY's career is in its infancy. He is still unsuspecting and innocent and all that, so now is your opportunity to get in on the ground floor. Yes! You can be a Charter Smurf Acquaintance!

JEREMY is looking for a script for which he can write the music

Anyway, JEREMY writes that sissy soft music (no head-banging stuff, unfortunately). Of course, head-banging for a Smurf would be dangerous. To others more than himself, of course.

John Juan Benitez, President of John Juan Benitez Publishing Co., requests that any old acquaintances contact him at johnh@kc.net. This includes the Big O, Zammie, Philbird, The Dan Man, Brian McPenguin, Mighty Marce, etc.